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If this is entirely incoherent, it isn’t my fault. I blame Lisa. Speaking of which, she’s writing my introduction for me so:
[Hi. I’m not sure how I got commissioned into writing this, but okay. If you’re scratching your head trying to figure out who the hell this Susan Esparza chick is, I’ll help you out. Susan is Senior Editor at Bruce Clay, Inc., which basically means she corrects my blog typos, plays a lot of Scrabulous, and silently resents the attention I get. She’s been at Bruce Clay for 3 years and in her free time collects dolls that cost more than my rent. She doesn’t like to go out in public.
Oh, and I’ll be adding some interjections. I can’t let Susan have the whole spotlight. Huzzah! -- Lisa]
Thank you, oh millstone around my neck. It’s your fault I got tapped to do this in the first place.
Like everyone else posting this week, I thought of and discarded about 19 million ideas for this post. [Isn’t it funny how the fear of Rae breeds self doubt? -- Lisa] I even thought about Skyping Lisa and making like the FemMozzers but realized taking the easy way outwould be even less clever the second time around. Then in my frantic delirium, it came to me! MozCon SMX is next week! Which is when the real panic set in.
Here’s the problem with conferences. People want to take pictures with you. God only knows why because I look terminally exhausted and usually lost and entirely jaundiced under those ever so flattering fluorescent lights (maybe it’s some kind of drinking game?). Anyway, this camera whoring isn’t a big deal if you’re a guy. No one cares what guys look like in their pictures so they always come off looking decent even if they’re scruffy, unshaven and rumpled [Long live the SEO Book! -- Lisa]. After all, they’re respected SEOs or PPC gurus or Pretty Princesses. But for the double X chromosomes? Break out the Photoshop and the soft focus lenses because God forbid you have to face the results otherwise. For all the talk that this industry is becoming less of a boys’ club and women are just as respected as men… blah blah…whatever lame excuses they’ve come up with this time. It’s all nonsense. I saw the way freaking iJustine got mobbed at Pubcon. You bastards like the pretty girls better. And by pretty, folks? I mean skinny. Look at this here:
[We’re preeetty! -- Lisa]
In case you live under a rock or something, that’s Rae, Jane, Lisa and Rebecca at Pubcon. Notice that not a single woman in that picture over size 6. How the hell is that even fair? It’s not. You know the last time I was a size 6? Seventh grade. And I guarantee you I’m going to have to be in at least one picture with Lisa if not a solid dozen. Look at how tiny she is! She’s only an inch shorter than I am, for Christ’s sake! Beside her I look like a mammoth. Emergency measures are called for. [Is now a bad time to mention all the chocolate and pizza and beer I had this weekend? Mmm, beer. – Lisa]
Now the nice folks over at SEO Fights Fat are doing this the right way. (Why wasn’t I asked to join that? Don’t they know I’m in desperate need of motivation? I even have a great charity. I’m a firm supporter of Arch Angels which funds treatment for eating disorders. Yes, this is ironic but it really is my pet cause.) I don’t have time for the right way. I have a week. You know how much you can lose in a week the ‘right’ way? That’s right, Jack and Shit. That’s why we do things in a way that would make Mary Kate proud. Here’s the two step plan for getting in shape for SMX:
First things first, stop eating junk food. Soda is right out. All that chocolate from Valentine’s Day? Verboten. And don’t even think about carbs. Carbs are well known to be an alien life form sent to earth to add fat to your thighs. Science has proven it.
Step two? Stop eating. Completely. Okay, maybe something just to kick start metabolism but that’s it. Sure you’re so hungry that your stomach is actually gnawing on your spine and you get lightheaded just from breathing but nothing tastes as good as thin feels, right? Right. There’s another hidden upside to this diet. It’s preparing you for the actual conference where you live on coffee in the morning and alcohol at night because you’re too busy liveblogging to eat.
Try that for a week. Make sure you drink lots of water and green tea. If you have to eat something, embrace the joy of carrot sticks or celery! No dressing; that’s cheating. If you’re too weak for a straight seven day fast, then you can have some protein, but no carbs. I’m not kidding about the alien life forms.
So what I’m saying is, when you see me at a show, tell me I’m skinny. Make sure you sound like you mean it or I’ll cut you. And for the love of God, no, I don’t want to take a picture! [You sound stressed. Have a cookie. – Lisa]
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{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }
Bah! Bah, I say!
Exhibit A: http://www.flickr.com/photos/bruceclay/1809797034/
You’ll be pleased to know that right after that picture was taken, Lisa, Rae, Rebecca and I each ate a medium-sized nation’s ration of yum at the Bellagio buffet. And I consumed a bagel with cream cheese, regular cheese and ham whilst reading the post. I hate people like me.
What you’re supposed to do is sneakily replace Lisa’s healthy food with high-fat shakes and sundries. Also, mess with her calorie-counting spreadsheet and make it seem like she’s taking in less than she actually is. Six weeks of that and folks will need a wide-angle lens when they photograph her; meanwhile, you’ll be rocking vertical stripes and will look fabulous.
Good, now I know how Rebecca’s planning on fattening me up.
Just thinking about that wonderful night at the Bellagio makes me double over. We seriously ate 3 months worth of food in an hour. It was wonderful and sickening all at the same time.
Also, Becs, shut it.
Susan, I feel your pain!! I did an experiment at Pubcon this year… I looked like as much crap as possible. I wore jeans, a dorky shirt, glasses and my hair back everyday (http://schwagaddict.com/2007/happy-webbies-t-shirt/). When I went “out” I swapped the t-shirt for a moderately low-cut sweater and maybe threw on some eye shadow. Maybe this has a direct correlation with post-wedding apathy/mental breakdown, but regardless of the reason there were some serious results…
1) Dudes stopped caring. The ring might have something to do with it, too.
2) Chics weren’t threatened, but they just didn’t want to be around me… pretty girls flock together.
3) I got less free shit.
Lesson learned… wear the push-up, pop in the contacts and leave the flip-flops behind. Even then, I’ll never have the “assets” of iJustine, so the best I can be is a pretty version of my red-headed stepchild self. So… let’s avoid pictures together at the next conference. ;-)
everybody may want to have their picture taken with the “pretty girls” but I’d much rather talk to someone who uses the little grey cells ;-)
@Michael: Was I just insulted? My little grey cells aren’t working fast enough to know for sure. I think I was. :)
@Adrienne That’s clearly a trick of the light. I’m not actually that skinny.
@Michael Aw, but that still leaves me out.
@Adrienne She starved herself for WEEKS for that one…
@lisa now you see there are many men who would try and argue/defend their way out of that …
however I’ll just admit that whatever it is you think I did wrong I’m sure I did, but it was really by accident, and I promise never to do it again … and this time I really mean it … ;-)
My pre-conference ritual:
4 weeks out: Stop eating carbs, pick out clothes.
2 weeks out: Tan 3 times a week to get rid of the pasty-whitish-green CRT glow
1 week out: Stop eating completely; Restock any make-up I might be low on; Dye hair; Continue tanning.
> 3 days out: Get hair cut; Get Manicure; Get Pedicure; Pack; Continue Tanning; Continue not eating.
Departure Day: Get eyebrows done; Use leave-in conditioner to combat hair-destroying dryness on plane; Use extra moisturizer on face to combat said dryness; Drink 5 gallons of water.
All that and I still look fat. To quote Lisa, Huzzah.
Susan, how sweet it is when you write :)
Rhea!!! WTF!
What about your Pat friend? I cared. I am a guy.
I did the look like crap experiment too (SES San Jose), with similar results.
snif.
So you girls are all into the starvation. I don’t get into that idiocy. I love food. You must try the Femozzers diet of marathon running / long distance swimming. Eat all you like :)
>>>size 6
I hate to burst your bubble babe, but I am a size ten in that picture :)
>>>would make Mary Kate proud
OMG, no she didn’t… that comment made Sarah East proud…
Susan, you had me in tears… your eyes are safe… see you soon… with a camera….
>>>medium-sized nation’s ration
@JC - omg, we so pigged out… that was sooooo good… turkey and mash and gravy and mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
>>>who uses the little grey cells
@the girl scout cookie whore
you would have met my spoon had you not been dutifully trained to apologize and admit your inferior thoughts ;-)
@all girls
Follow my pre-conference ritual….
I just don’t give a fuck :)
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