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Its that kid again, Michael Streko - the one who was unable to write a post because of some crappy car accident, remember it could have been awesome? Well guess what - its going to be awesome. While Rae is out drinking speaking at the SMX I have invaded her blog for the guestwhore post that should have been…
So I am not at the SMX - yeah it sucks.
If you are like me and find yourself sitting home or at your job but you would rather be rubbing elbows with all the cool seo kids, eating a great network lunch, live blogging or collecting all kinds of neat schwag, have no fear, I can make your fantasy a reality…
- How to live blog when you are not at the conference - This requires 2 Computers - 1 Can be a desktop but the other MUST be a laptop for the full effect. Get a chair - and sit it in front of you Desktop computer. Then put on a shirt that says “I Am Blogging This”, find a persons blog who has been live blogging the event & cut and paste it into this software which will speak the text out loud for you. Now with your laptop sit and live blog everything the software reads to you. Sit close to your speakers & turn the volume up to get the real effect.
- How to Mingle with the SEO Rockstars at the after party - Now this requires some beer or other alcoholic drink that you might enjoy, your laptop & a twitter account. First log onto twitter and start to find all the Speakers, Moderators & Keynotes - add them to your twitter account. Begin to drink & randomly send them twitters - if you are lucky they will respond maybe 1 or 2 times. The drunker you get the more entertaining this can be - for the full effect grab a popular 80’s mix CD (which MUST include Wingers “She’s only 17″ & Culture Clubs “Do you really want to hurt me?”) put the volume on loud and say, “What did you say?” ,”Huh - I can’t hear you.” & “I am a big fan of your blog.” to your monitor - Also feel free to dim the lights and spill some beer on yourself once or twice.
- How to get some schwag - This requires a dollar store, about 6 bucks, a quarter, some dice and a magic marker. Walk into the dollar store & roll the dice. Whatever the number is you go down that isle. Roll again and walk the amount of steps down the isle. Then flip the quarter; heads = turn right, tails = turn left - turn the way that you flipped & grab first item you see. Repeat this until the 6 dollars is spent or if you want a lot of schwag continue on until you are satisfied. But remember - this is going to carry on into the next part. Also pickup a bag and write “SMX” on it to carry all of you items. Once you are back home take the magic marker and pull up this web page select sponsors that you would like schwag from & draw their logo’s on some of the stuff that you purchased. Each time you do it say “Hey, can I get one of these?”, then thank yourself & put it into the Bag that you wrote SMX on.
- How to have a networking lunch - This requires a prepared lunch - I would recommend a “Swanson Hungry Man Meal” - cook it in your microwave - following the instructions which should be conveniently located on the right hand side of the box - then take your SMX bag full of schwag, your tray of Hungry Man goodness & grab a soda out of your fridge. Now pull out all of the chairs at your kitchen table & ask “Is anyone sitting here?”, reply “No.” - then sit down. Now for about 2 minutes don’t say anything - just have an awkward silence - feel free to open your SMX schwag-bag and look at some of the items. Then finally say “So what company are you with.” Then immediately shove some mashed potatoes into your mouth, put your index finger in the air and attempt to say “One moment.” Now, finish eating and tell yourself your company & say what you do for it - reply “Thats interesting.” Endure another 2 minutes of awkward silence & then finally say “So is this your first SMX.” Now no matter what - LIE! Lie to yourself! Say “No, I went to the last one, pubcon & also an SES before.” You can’t let yourself know that you are a “noob”! Endure some more awkward silence - then finally say “It was nice meeting you.”, get up & dump your tray into the garbage & go up into your bedroom and take a nap.
I hope this helps bring some of the SMX experience home for us who could not attend it this year. The “left” coast was a bit to far for me - but I do look forward to my home city of New York in the fall! Hope everyone who is there is having a blast and I look forward to drunk twittering with you tonight!
** Hey this is Rae… I edited this post to add that if you wanna follow SMX on twitter, you can check out their official twitter account.
About the Author
I am a piecies, enjoy long walks on the beach, quiet evenings at home & seo.i hate your seo
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hah, brilliant, number one would be funny to do if you were actually at the conference too.
I found your blog on google and read a few of your other posts. I just added you to my Google News Reader. Keep up the good work. Look forward to reading more from you in the future.
Robert Michel
Fun post. I especially like the mingle part. You can party like a rock star anywhere with SEO’s
I feel like I’m there already! Right now I’m sleeping through something I should really be paying attention to. And making snide comments at my monitor.
Thanks, Streko! Now I CAN achieve my goal of hermitage!
So authentic, I’m all excited now. I’ll augment the experience by giving my own business cards to myself throughout the evening, then stuffing them in my pocket to sort through them later in the hotel room. I’ll keep them in the front zippered pocket my luggage for a few months until it’s time to clean them out and throw them all away…
LMAO! I was totally bummed at not being able to attend, but now I see I can get almost the full conference experience without leaving home. Love the comment suggestion about handing out business cards to yourself.
I’m working on ideas to simulate the airport security/flight delay experience as well, so I can truly say I’ve done it all.
Awesome.
Lol! I love it! I needed something to laugh about today. You’ve made me feel much better. :) And here I was feeling so left out. Hope to see you at SMX East. :)
Sounds almost like a normal day for some SEO’s. Minus a couple points it kind of describes my blogging life.
I got back from SMX (I’m local so just a short drive) a few hours ago and I can’t stop laughing at this post. So funny; the part about the networking lunch is classic.
@Streko - What an infectious idea for a comedy routine. We could spin off new SMX simulation ideas for ever. This was a really fun post, and worth the wait.
@Diane - to recreate the airport experience, set an alarm early and wake up at some ungodly hour before the sun rises. Then get dressed in a hurry and rush as fast as you can to your bathroom door. Wait outside the bathroom for an hour reading some crappy magazines.
Then go in and have a 2-minute shower. Before drying off, stand in the shower wet for 15 minutes. Then grab a towel, get redressed, and stand in front of the sink for 5 minutes holding your toothbrush and paste. Shuffle your feet and avoid eye contact with the mirror. After 5 minutes, start brushing.
Done this way your whole morning routine should take about 3 hours and you’ll arrive at your simulated conference groggy, annoyed, and thirsty for something alcoholic even though it’s still several hours until noon. Just like the real thing!
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Thanks to everyone who responded. I look forward to SMX East - it will be my first SMX event (but more then likely I will tell you that I have been to every one of them) - I look forward to having an uncomfortable networking lunch with all of you!
- Michael
that was a funny post.