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Ok, so none of you know me. I’m Audrey, A.K.A. “Shirley Tipsy.” I’m not big in the SEO world, although I have lots of awesome friends, including tomorrows guest, Kid Disco. My one personal claim to fame is the fact that I am the dork in the “Matt Cutts Makes Me Google” shirt in a widely publicized (well at least in our circle) photo from SES San Jose 2006. Yes, I’m a fan of Matt… ok fine, I’m a “cuttlett.” Anyway, Hi. Nice to meet you. Knowing the people in our industry (we’re worse than a damn sewing circle at times) I’m sure I have just invited massive amounts of shit talking onto myself. Oh Well, LMAO.
I thought long and hard about what to write about for my guest post. Like everyone else this week I have been riddled with panic, nearly kicking myself for volunteering for this without having a clear plan in mind as to what I would write about. Well, what can I do about it now? Shut up and bite the bullet, I guess.
So, without further ado I give you…
Shirley Tipsy’s Top 12 Things My Friends and I Have Accidentally Done To Prove We Are Dorks.
1. I have instinctually ended sentences with “.com” instead of simply using a period.
Example: “I’ll stop by the store on my way home so we don’t have to go out later.com”
2. I say “LOL” out loud when I think something is moderately funny. It actually gets worse than this though. When I say it, it doesn’t sound like “Ell Oh Ell.” No, No, It’s actually a word with me… By charades standards it would be a ’sounds like’ “wall.”
3. My friend Angela was walking through Costco with her husband and told him that she was gonna “Scroll on down to the next aisle.”
4. We’ve had extensive conversations at work about getting links from good sites. We refer to these preferable links as “.org-asms”
5. My co-worker Bryan likes to inform people when he has done something already. He does this by taking on a valley girl voice and saying “Blogged It!”
6. I have gotten into actual arguments with my boyfriend over his top 8 on myspace. At one point he decided to make his band his #1 friend and moved me to #2. I WAS SO PISSED!!! (After an hour of my nagging, he put me back to #1 though)
7. I have actually had to stop myself and recognize the lack of “cut and paste” abilities when reading a book before
8. My boyfriend is sort of a SEO conspiracy theorist. He’s convinced that Google is actually run by a man named “Steve Google.” When he’s upset about something having to do with them, he threatens to write old Steve Google a letter. I have heard him reference “Doug Yahoo” before too.
9. You’ve heard of those “Worst Case Scenario” books where they give you instructions on how to do things like jump from a moving car or fight off a bear attack, right? I have had drunken rants complaining about the lack of internet related scenarios in said books.
Actual Quote: “I know a few people who are more afraid of the -30 penalty than they are of a freakin snake bite!”
10. I have referred to women I hate as a “whore.asp”.
11. In order to talk shit at work, while still maintaining their “professionalism,” some of my co-workers have adopted a system for using acronyms via our in-house Instant Messenger. These abbreviated statements have really matured over time. They started out with things like:
“DB” - Translation: Douche Bag
“AH” - Translation: Ass Hat
To the more recent and more complicated:
“FTSIISFA” - Translation: Fuck This Shit In Its Stupid Fucking Ass
12. When my boyfriend was applying for a job one time, “online trafficking” was one of the experience requirements.
He turned to me with a serious look on his face and said “So I need a proven track record of getting illegal aliens good rankings? Awesome.”
So yeah, we’re geeks. We know it. We embrace it. :)
*We now return you to our regularly scheduled programming of people who actually have something to say*
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I am in a bar in Scotland at the moment with any awesome buzz, so I figured I’ d’ share:
13. I actually call Yahoo “Y” and Google “G” in live conversations.
14. Botw swag is not swag, but on on usual part of my wardrobe.
15. I once told graywolf “I’m happy two of the more important people in my online life have met” and he quickly countered with something to the effect of “as if you have any offline life”.
16. I sometimes want to rip the mouse out of the hands of non Internet geeks who are attempting to be cute and surf, like the concierge at our hotel this morning, because they’re slow and incompetent at surfing.
17. I type so much, that even though I only type with two fingers, I type 65 words per minute without looking at the keyboard.
18. True story: I actually said to a guy I am now dating when asked about whether or not I liked thoughtful gestures or gifts more, swear to god, “I’m like a link, much better results if you get me organically”.
Wow, and I thought I was a geek. I bow to your supreme geekness.
Funny stuff!
JT - who thought “online trafficking” was all those damn Viagra comment spams I get.
LOL, Audrey - funny post. And I’m saying that as if it rhymes with “wall”.
In my defense, someone has to be accountable for things that don’t go my way. Wouldn’t the world be a better place if you could write a letter to Steve Google and set things straight?
And don’t get me started on that Doug Yahoo…he still isn’t returning my calls.
19. When thinking about something while sitting in front of my computer, I suddenly realize I’ve typed digg.com or opened up Google Reader entirely on autopilot.
20. I have created entire websites to pull pranks on friends.
21. If I see something funny and take a picture, my first reaction is - “I’m totally going to Stumble this!”
22. In real life, I’ve had to stop myself from thinking - Hey, if I mess up, I can just load from my last save.
>I have created entire websites to pull pranks on friends.
yep that’s a dork qualifier for sure, and not something I have ever done … nope not ever … err … nope not me …
While at the grocery store this week I was in the juice isle looking for a “cranberry and lime” drink that is discontinued. In my mind I started to type “l i m e” in order to bring up the search box like in firefox.
I smiled and quickly left the isle.
re: #7: I frequently bemoan the lack of an ‘undo’ key in my life in general. When I screw something up, (e.g. overcook dinner) I will think, in my head “control-z” and realize it’s really not getting me anywhere.
23. I was on a train once, commuting somewhere. With nothing to do I was thinking about something or other. I decided it wasn’t worth thinking about it then as I couldn’t do anything about and reached out with my hand for my mouse to close the non-existent window in front of me…
24. Or reaching out to type a word in a field to check the spelling, when nowhere near a computer…
I get impatient when my boyfriend is surfing the net, too, because I know I could find it faster. I’m like Nick Reynolds, the company computer guy. “MOVE!”
WERTY >> I smiled and quickly left the isle.
Are you sure you weren’t VOTED off the isle?
LOL
My favourite geekism:
saying “click on” something in real life. As if life is a Dora the Explorer cartoon where a large arrow comes out of the sky and presses the button that triggers the “WALK” signal at an intersection… “can you click on the light please?” , “click the doorbell” etc.
Another:
when you hear an unusual or derived word or phrase used in conversation, immediate thought is “is the .com taken?”. Actually got a few good domains that way…
I’m still a newbie, but I guess I’m well on my way, since I already do this:
“when you hear an unusual or derived word or phrase used in conversation, immediate thought is ‘is the .com taken?’”
Heh.
BTW - this is one of the funniest posts I have ever read. Thanks Audrey!
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