How to drive, in 6 easy steps

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(Disclaimer: I’m not Rae.)

I’m deeply suspicious of driver’s education courses, available at your local high school. I’m pretty sure that they consist of making out with one’s closest neighbor when the lights are off for the movies of death and regret and ditching class in favor of drinking beer in the back parking lot on actual driving days.

I don’t know for sure because I never actually took driver’s education in high school. I learned how to drive the old fashioned way — terrified of how long I would be grounded if I wrecked my parents’ car. It’s amazing how closely you pay attention when you are sure that: (1) at any moment you might drive the car off a cliff and die or (2) if you do even the slightest damage to the car, there’s no way in hell you’ll be allowed out on Friday night, and you absolutely have to go out because that one cute boy will be there and you will die if you don’t see him. Yep, true driver’s education is all about the fear of dying in one way or another.

I don’t think one gets this profound terror in high school classes, as evidenced by the complete lack of driving ability of everyone around me. Except you, of course. You’re a fantastic driver. Really.

So, I thought it might be helpful to provide some easy guidelines for driving for those who were distracted by all that macking and beer guzzling. Not that I’m saying I blame you.

1. If you are driving down the road, say in the center lane, and you realize that you are zipping right past your turn, do not slam on your brakes and then sit in the road, completely stopped, until you can turn anyway. From the center lane. As it turns out, cars are driving behind you. Honestly, turn around for a second. See that shiny metal? Those are cars! With people in them! Trying to go straight. Please let them. Generally, turns are not like those last chance for gas for a hundred miles signs. You will likely soon have an opportunity to turn around. Unless your turn is in Needles, CA.

   Exception: You are in Needles, CA. No one is driving there anyway, so feel free to stop in the middle of the road anywhere you’d like.

2. When you are looking for a parking spot at the mall, do not stalk me as I walk to my car. How do you know I’m even walking to a car anyway? Maybe I’m walking to the bus stop. Or perhaps I’m sneaking out to my car to have a quick nap. In any case, in the time it took you to slowly creep behind me like a crazy psycho, you could have found another parking place a little further out and would be shopping already.

   Exception: It’s the Mall of America. If you found a parking place “a little further out”, you’d be parking in Wisconsin. No one needs to go to Wisconsin.

3. If you decide to change lanes, take a quick glance in the direction you plan to head. I know, surely no one is there. You like to take your chances. Risk makes you feel alive. You’re one of those people who clicks the “I feel lucky” button when you search. I hate to be the one to break this bit of sad news to you, but you’re not all that lucky. And while I’m at it, it wasn’t the tooth fairy who left the money under your pillow. Would anyone except your mother really want that icky tooth? Think about it. Rosebud was a sled. And every so often, another car may in fact drive up beside you occupy the same physical place you’re headed for. I know it’s a crazy thought, but it happens.

   Exception: Needles, CA. No one will ever be driving beside you there.

4. If you are going to check your email on your blackberry while at lights, look up every so often for the light to change. Each light is good for one, maybe two emails. If the email thread includes a lot of forwards, you might not even get through one. One line answers only. And there’s no time for capital letters.

   This one may be mostly aimed at me.

   Exception: It’s a really interesting email.

5. If you aren’t comfortable going the speed limit on the freeway, perhaps you shouldn’t be on the freeway. There are lovely side streets on which you can go potentially half the freeway speed. You’d like it there. Please get out of my way.

   Exception: No really. Get out of my way. I’m in a hurry.

6. Sometimes traffic backs up, so even though the light is green, I may have to stop as not to block the intersection. If you are at the red light on the intersecting street and you are turning right, for the love of kittens and puppies and those cute little prairie dogs that pop up in their little prairie dog holes and then pop back down, if you see a tiny space open up, don’t take a right turn into MY SPOT. Your light is red. My light is green. Yes, you can turn on red after stopping, but only if no cars are at the green light. I am RIGHT HERE. Obeying the law. Waiting for my spot to open up. Which you have now taken. And now my once green light will turn red, while I still sit here, law-abiding. An absolute pillar of legal brightness. And you’re driving away in my spot, a Paris Hilton-like criminal. Your mother would be ashamed. Unless you actually are Paris Hilton in which case she would appeal your cause to the governor.

   Exception: You are driving yourself to the hospital while in labor. In this situation, just wave your hand out the window and give me the the universal sorry face as you call out, “sorry! baby!” I’ll understand.

I realize that you were a little too busy being drunk and slutty to take notes when these things were discussed in class, so I hope these handy instructions help you out. If these seem too difficult, no worries. There’s an easy solution. Just kindly restrict all further driving to Needles, CA. We fellow drivers thank you.

(Note: Rae mentioned I should introduce myself if I was going to be rambling on her blog. I’m Vanessa. I would tell you more about me, but that might give you enough to go on that you could find me and mock my driving skills. Which are perfect, by the way.)