If this is entirely incoherent, it isn’t my fault. I blame Lisa. Speaking of which, she’s writing my introduction for me so:
[Hi. I’m not sure how I got commissioned into writing this, but okay. If you’re scratching your head trying to figure out who the hell this Susan Esparza chick is, I’ll help you out. Susan is Senior Editor at Bruce Clay, Inc., which basically means she corrects my blog typos, plays a lot of Scrabulous, and silently resents the attention I get. She’s been at Bruce Clay for 3 years and in her free time collects dolls that cost more than my rent. She doesn’t like to go out in public.
Oh, and I’ll be adding some interjections. I can’t let Susan have the whole spotlight. Huzzah! -- Lisa]
Thank you, oh millstone around my neck. It’s your fault I got tapped to do this in the first place.
Like everyone else posting this week, I thought of and discarded about 19 million ideas for this post. [Isn’t it funny how the fear of Rae breeds self doubt? -- Lisa] I even thought about Skyping Lisa and making like the FemMozzers but realized taking the easy way outwould be even less clever the second time around. Then in my frantic delirium, it came to me! MozCon SMX is next week! Which is when the real panic set in.
Here’s the problem with conferences. People want to take pictures with you. God only knows why because I look terminally exhausted and usually lost and entirely jaundiced under those ever so flattering fluorescent lights (maybe it’s some kind of drinking game?). Anyway, this camera whoring isn’t a big deal if you’re a guy. No one cares what guys look like in their pictures so they always come off looking decent even if they’re scruffy, unshaven and rumpled [Long live the SEO Book! -- Lisa]. After all, they’re respected SEOs or PPC gurus or Pretty Princesses. But for the double X chromosomes? Break out the Photoshop and the soft focus lenses because God forbid you have to face the results otherwise. For all the talk that this industry is becoming less of a boys’ club and women are just as respected as men… blah blah…whatever lame excuses they’ve come up with this time. It’s all nonsense. I saw the way freaking iJustine got mobbed at Pubcon. You bastards like the pretty girls better. And by pretty, folks? I mean skinny. Look at this here:
[We’re preeetty! -- Lisa]
In case you live under a rock or something, that’s Rae, Jane, Lisa and Rebecca at Pubcon. Notice that not a single woman in that picture over size 6. How the hell is that even fair? It’s not. You know the last time I was a size 6? Seventh grade. And I guarantee you I’m going to have to be in at least one picture with Lisa if not a solid dozen. Look at how tiny she is! She’s only an inch shorter than I am, for Christ’s sake! Beside her I look like a mammoth. Emergency measures are called for. [Is now a bad time to mention all the chocolate and pizza and beer I had this weekend? Mmm, beer. – Lisa]
Now the nice folks over at SEO Fights Fat are doing this the right way. (Why wasn’t I asked to join that? Don’t they know I’m in desperate need of motivation? I even have a great charity. I’m a firm supporter of Arch Angels which funds treatment for eating disorders. Yes, this is ironic but it really is my pet cause.) I don’t have time for the right way. I have a week. You know how much you can lose in a week the ‘right’ way? That’s right, Jack and Shit. That’s why we do things in a way that would make Mary Kate proud. Here’s the two step plan for getting in shape for SMX:
First things first, stop eating junk food. Soda is right out. All that chocolate from Valentine’s Day? Verboten. And don’t even think about carbs. Carbs are well known to be an alien life form sent to earth to add fat to your thighs. Science has proven it.
Step two? Stop eating. Completely. Okay, maybe something just to kick start metabolism but that’s it. Sure you’re so hungry that your stomach is actually gnawing on your spine and you get lightheaded just from breathing but nothing tastes as good as thin feels, right? Right. There’s another hidden upside to this diet. It’s preparing you for the actual conference where you live on coffee in the morning and alcohol at night because you’re too busy liveblogging to eat.
Try that for a week. Make sure you drink lots of water and green tea. If you have to eat something, embrace the joy of carrot sticks or celery! No dressing; that’s cheating. If you’re too weak for a straight seven day fast, then you can have some protein, but no carbs. I’m not kidding about the alien life forms.
So what I’m saying is, when you see me at a show, tell me I’m skinny. Make sure you sound like you mean it or I’ll cut you. And for the love of God, no, I don’t want to take a picture! [You sound stressed. Have a cookie. – Lisa]
About the Author
Susan is the Senior Editor for well respected search engine optimization firm Bruce Clay, Inc, headquartered in sunny California with offices around the globe.
Subscribe to the Sugarrae feed | Follow Sugarrae on Twitter
Related Posts
Sugarrae runs on the Thesis WordPress Theme
If you’re someone who doesn’t understand a lot of PHP, Thesis will give a ton of functionality that you wouldn’t be able to obtain otherwise with a simple control panel instead of having to alter code. For the advanced, Thesis has incredible customization possibilities via Thesis hooks.
For those "in between", like myself, I’ve created "dummy" guides for Thesis hooks that allow us to make more professional customizations than we ever deemed possible. The theme is not only highly customizable, but it has allowed me to run Sugarrae more professionally, with a much more targeted focus on monetization than it ever has been able to achieve before. You can find out more about Thesis below:
- Thesis Website and Demo
- Thesis Theme Review
- Thesis Tutorial: Hooks for Dummies
- More Thesis Tutorials on Sugarrae
Comments on this entry are closed.