Sugarrae - Never Mess With a Woman Who Can Pull Rank

If you're new here, you may want to subscribe to my feed or subscribe to me on Twitter, which is updated on a more frequent - and more meaningless - basis.

So, a while back I posted a list of twenty five things I planned to do in the next five years. Then life got beyond hectic and I got a bit off the path. Now that things have settled a bit, I’ve been able to get back to the all important list.

Item number twenty five was the one I thought I’d never do and it ended up being the first. Three months ago I joined a gym and have been working out twice a week with a personal trainer (aka Satan).

I had lost about fifteen pounds between September and November and I wasn’t heavy to begin with. Now, I’m not conceited about much, but my ass? I’m conceited about my ass. And as it started to get a little bit flatter, I started to panic. It became clear that my vanity was going to have to win out over my laziness. So, to the gym I went. Oh, I most certainly did admit to that.

So, I’ve been going regularly and I’ve learned a few things since I’ve started:

1. You so need an iPod to work out at the gym. So, now, one of the things you didn’t know about me is no longer true. Thanks to Shannon, I learned how to use my iPod. Thanks to Danimal, I have a shitload of songs on it.

And thanks to the guy I met on the plane last month, I now know how to work my iPod controls correctly (do not even ask how loud, or for how long, the local search whore laughed when I told him this story on the phone today).

2. The gym is pretty damn intimidating. The first time I went in, I saw tons of machines I was unfamiliar with and suddenly became terrified of working out the wrong muscles or not doing them evenly and ending up with some thighs of steel that wouldn’t be super attractive on a girl. No, wasn’t going to work.

So, I had Pete (the owner) set me up with a personal trainer (again, also known as Satan). The good thing is, she knows what the hell she’s doing. The bad thing is, she knows what the hell she’s doing - which leads me to number three…

3. Having a personal trainer means you will be working out to the max whether you like it or not. She knows when your weight is too light and will make it heavier. She knows when you’re complaining because it sucks versus it is really too much.

And if you tell her “I hate you” she will add five more crunches on to the twenty five she is already making you do (the same effect also comes from “you suck”, “you’re fucking evil” and “Pete, fire her please”). And don’t even ask what she does to you when you show up ten minutes late.

4. Going to the gym hurts – like hell. I hurt for the first month after every visit. Twice a week was all I had time for, but damn if it didn’t take three full days to not feel like I had been beaten with a two by four and left for dead on the side of the road after each visit.

5. I was so not in shape. If you think because you’re reasonably sized and run around after kids all day that you must be somewhat in shape, then you are wrong. Wrong.

After several months of going I can absolutely tell the difference in my energy level. I can tell the difference in my sleeping patterns. And of course, I can tell the difference in the way everything is toning up.

So, first thing, number twenty five on the list is now completed. And no worries, it won’t be this long between this thing and the next. I already have five more in the works to be knocked off by the end of the summer. Oh, and my ass is looking more fantabulous than ever (oh yes, I did). ;-)