This post has absolutely nothing to do with internet marketing. No, this post is about ways you can get me to beat the living hell out of you before Christmas.
This is a post aimed at every ignorant ass out there who has done any of the following things during the busiest shopping season of the year.
Some of the things below might be perfectly acceptable if they weren’t done within the two weeks before Christmas. However, when done within those two weeks, they risk your health and well-being. At least if I am the person who has had as much as I can take behind you.
#8: Parking in front of the store
First, it is never legal to park here. It’s a fire zone you morons and you are not only being an asshole blocking traffic, but you’re risking the lives of everyone inside should a fire ensue.
Secondly, you’re blocking traffic and forcing people to drive around your ass in a crowded parking lot after waiting ten minutes for the people coming the other way who are in a “no way are you cutting in front of my ass, I’m sick of this yuletide shit and I want to get to Futureshop before it closes” mood.
Pedestrians are every where, little kids are running all over the place and you’re literally risking lives. Added points for also thinking that you are so damn important that you can’t be bothered to park in the parking lot and WALK TO THE DOOR like the rest of us. Picking up a big item? Bring other people with you to carry it to your car. I know, but can you believe the concept actually works?
#7: Dropping someone off in front of the store
While perfectly acceptable in non-busy shopping seasons, especially if it’s grandma, this is utterly unacceptable during the holiday shopping season. The asshole in number eight is already causing traffic problems and then you want to come along, stop and let someone, who is always slow as fuck and oblivious to the fact that they are causing a traffic clusterfuck, get out slowly in the “no way are you cutting in front of my ass, I’m sick of this yuletide shit and I want to get to Futureshop before it closes” lane?
No. And, beware the attempts to do so may result in some angry driver simply losing their damn mind because they need to get to Futureshop too and stepping on the gas to send grandma flying up and over the windshield (or at least cause further traffic issues while I daydream about doing it). Unless you have two wooden legs, your ass can walk from the parking lot like everyone else.
#6: “Catching up” with sales clerks
There is a time and place for catching up with old friends. In the two weeks before Christmas, in a hot and packed store when the “old friend” is a sales clerk the rest of us need to talk to in order to buy the things that will give our loved ones some fucking merriment is not one of them.
I don’t give a shit how big Charlie is getting or if Dan still lives on the west side. I need this shirt on the mannequin in a medium and can’t reach the top shelf where they are being stored. And funnily enough, I need the person who works here that you’re inconsiderately bullshitting with to get it for me. And I still have to go to fucking Futureshop people! Give the clerk your number (after you move off to the side to write it down) and let the rest of us get on with our lives.
Ditto the sales clerks chatting with each other. You’re almost as bad since you’re both being paid to waste precious moments of my life. I say almost because I have zero hesitation in interrupting your asses to get me my shirt.
#5: Blocking the aisles
The stores are crowded enough and shopping in the two weeks before Christmas is already the task from hell. You people who make it harder by blocking the aisles with your baby strollers and fat asses aren’t helping anything. Here are a few what normally would be called etiquette tips that in this two week timeframe can be referred to as survival tips.
First, if the store is extremely small (think of most “EB Games in a mall” size stores) leave your freaking stroller outside, scoop precious up into your damn arms and carry him in. Better yet, have someone else wait outside with precious AND the obstruction to foot traffic. If you think someone won’t knock you AND precious over to get the last Wii Fit in the tri-state area, you’re sadly mistaken.
Second, if you must stop to look at something, please stay as close to the actual shelves as possible, be aware of people trying to pass you and make it easy for them. And for fucks sake, get off the cell phone before someone yanks it out of your ear and shoves it down your throat.
#4: Walking while oblivious
As a tip, blindly walking into the parking lot in front of cars who have spent 10 minutes dealing with the morons in number eight and number seven is not a smart move. Contrary to public belief, people not wanting to hit you, even if you’re an asshole walking in front of cars without any nod of “go ahead” from the drivers inside them is not the same as you having the “right of way”. I WILL hit you if there is a chance I might not make it to Futureshop before it closes.
#3: Cockblocking your parking space
I know you saw me asshole. Yeah, me. The person who saw you leaving, never bugged you and simply turned on their blinker and waited for you to put all your bullshit in your car slow as hell because you’re on your cell phone. The person who waited for you as you continued to talk on the damn phone and warm up your car. The person who will now finally get gratification as you start to pull out.
Until you exit the space in a way that blocks me from being able to get into it and lets that asshole coming from the other direction to slip in even though I’ve been waiting for six minutes and thirty-two seconds. And I can’t even blame the other guy – they simply jumped on an opportunity. It was you, you inconsiderate asshat, who saw me waiting and cockblocked your space.
#2: Cutting in line
This is likely the second most deadly thing you can do during the holiday season. To the bitch whose boyfriend was in front of me in Mexx the other day, we all know you fucking saw us. Yeah us. The people who stood patiently in line waiting to pay for our designer threads.
The people who watched you come up, AFTER he had already paid for his purchase and his items were being bagged and slap an extra item on the counter that you paid for (not him), with your credit card (not his) and waited for it to be put into your bag (not his). That made it your purchase (and not his) and meant your stuck up, valley girl, daddy probably pays my credit card bill ass CUT IN LINE.
I’m the bitch who point blank asked you who the hell gave you the right to cut in front of everyone behind you as you paid the store clerk who began to shake at thoughts of the impending riot about to happen. I’m the bitch who told the store clerk he was “gutless” for not making you go to the back of the line where you belong and was met applause from six of the other people you cut in front of for doing so.
You’re lucky Futureshop was only open for one more hour or I might have slapped the hell out of you instead of yelling out that you were an asshole as you walked from the store with your sullied purchase.
#1: Forcing a price check for less than one dollar
This is extremely annoying during any time of the year. But when you force a price check over seventy nine cents with double digit people waiting behind you (one of which is me standing there with my items waiting to check out of Futureshop and be done with this holiday hell) three days before Christmas, you have earned the world’s biggest asshole award.
I wish there was a way to make you swallow that seventy nine cents. I even offered to GIVE you the seventy nine cents. But no, your cheap, pathetic ass insists on the price check. The clerk hates you. We (the people behind you) hate you. And the person you’re buying that gift should hate you. Cause you’re an asshole.
Merry Christmas folks.
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{ 30 comments… read them below or add one }
Rae, have you ever considered teaching a class in peaceful living? Its stress free post like these that make me think that you would be a great advocate for a worry free life style.
If you don’t like it, get the hell off my blog :)
LOL!
Rae would be an excellent teacher on meditation and anger management! With Rae, all the anger is dealt with quickly and effectively.
This is a fantastic list! They should have Santa running security so he can kick the asses of all the people you mentioned. Merry Christmas! :-)
Hahaha
You forgot the “browsers”. The idiots who saunter through the store, usually in pairs. Chatting away like it’s a stroll in the damn park. If you MUST saunter, be prepared to get the hell out of my way. And if you mutter and cuss because I politely said “excuse me” you have *earned* the snide, cutting remark I reply with.
I have more! 15+ years in customer service has made me THE Customer From Hell. :D I feel your Rage.
If humor is the best medicine, I’m cured. Until I go back out shopping tomorrow.
Eric, you are quite right :-)
My #1 is trampling to death a Wal-mart employee because you just had to have that LCD tv on sale. I’d really like to pummel the 2,000 people in that crowd that day.
Fantastic post #5, 4 and 2 are my pick for the asshole hall of fame shoppers. Now I know why I like you so much happy holidays and ba humbug as well.
I like to do all of these things because I enjoy ruining everyone’s day. Not just during Christmas either, but on a regular basis.
Seriously, those line cutters deserve to be put in the Middle Age torture tools for 24 hours.
But in reality, it’s probably easier to calm down, let the pucker enjoy his life, and let yourself enjoy your life by focusing on the positive.
Alternatively, you could’ve told the [hurrying lady] to get in the line *before* she handed over the money.
Yeah, yeah, I’m stopping reading your blog, too.
i read the first few lines and skipped to the last few lines. i didn’t catch much in between kinda lost me while i was reaching for my beer. pretty much just another moody bitch like my ol’ lady.
@Yura I was bitching from the second she got up to the counter and dropped off her item. All during her being checked out :) No worries… I started in proper time :) haha
@razor toting jim except I’d consider myself a lucky moody bitch since I’m not married to you :)
Fanfuckingtastic.
8+9 is a thinker damnit.
Anyways really funny post. :) Nice blog
lol
Dang Girl… do they sell CHILL PILLS up in Canada?
Internet Shopping > offline shopping. In the USA anyhow.
I wish it was more acceptable to punch people in the face. World would be a better place.
>>>I wish it was more acceptable to punch people in the face. World would be a better place.
LMAO yes it would. ;-)
I’m gay, but will you marry me?
@Vince well, being gay doesn’t knock you out of the running provided you like sports, drinking, poker, documentaries and agree we can both sleep with other people ;-)
Hi Rae,
Great list ! I think this is the time of year when a bottle of Jack and a Glock come in very handy !
The one thing I abhor is bad manners, so I normally lock myself away until after new years eve has been and passed.
Have a peaceful start to 2009, just stay well away from the January sales or you will completly flip !
All the best,
Paull
Rae, you’re my kind of woman.;-)
I think you should take a flip video cam with you next time and video tape it for us. lol. Classic.
My favorite was number 6, “catching up” with the sales clerks. hahahaha. Good stuff. They do tend to get extra chatty during the busier times. Not good.
Atleast you know how to express your anger, some people don’t. And by some. I mean me. lol. I have the freakin in laws over here and would love for you to be here and tell them all to go to (you know where).
Happy freakin New Year!!!!!
this is one of your best damn posts.
It’s enough to make me want to move to Guelph and go shopping and to the movies with you so I can behold the wonder that is you smacking down assholes.
Hi Rae,
First time reader, like the blog.
#4 and #6 are tied for my number 1 !
fuckin A. don’t need no cup o’ coffee after reading this post :)
I love this post! I can’t think of a thing to add…and that’s saying something on this type of topic!
Just have to add something cool that we witnessed in the Goodwill donation line on NYEve (last chance for a 2008 tax deduction). This holier-than-thou soccer mom in an SUV the size of a semi-truck decides driving around to the end of the line of cars is beneath her so she tries to do the squeeze in. The 5′2″ passenger in the car ahead of me got out and stood in front of Blondie Braindead’s truck bumper. She did try to inch up on the vigilante, nearly knocking her over in the process. This was rewarded with a middle finger and verbal altercation at her driver’s window while the rightly members of the queue proceeded ahead of Mrs. Jerk’s monsta truck with Little Vigilante directing traffic. It was awesome.